Humor

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us's eyes met mine. I mouthed, "Sorry." and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequins ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then proceeded to slap it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while making love. FML

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

Today, my older brother told me that no matter how fast you run at automatic sliding doors, they'll open in time. So I ran at a pair. They don't. FML

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend who had just been awakened by her own fart. FML

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

Meni je nekako bolje sa user controlled helicopter nego chopper gunner, ali ima smisla

hahaha

bila scena u filmu kad se prepadne babe i prikažu neki kip. kip u faci isti baba hehe

Ovo mi više na haiku liči.

Ljubavni haiku br. 1

Ispila si vrč pun krvi
bosim nogama
pala si u bunar

Ljubavni haiku br. 2

Cvate jorgovan na suncu
šiptar prodaje lubenice
Siniša boluje od cerebralne paralize

Ljubavni haiku br. 3

Zazvonio je telefon
niko se ne javlja
otac masturbira

Ma na/b/ijem te.

Također real-life situacija

Neka ženska upisala gimnaziju (ima veelliiikeeee provale kao npr.)

Nestalo struje u gimnaziji a ona kaže: "Vidi nestalo struje a sat još radi!"

Ili odgovara ona vjeronauk i pita ju profesorica:  u kojem se obliku Bog prikazao Mojsiju na brdu Sinaj

I ona kaže u obliku goluba! 

Ili je za Washingtom D.C. napisala Wašinhton d sity! 

Mi umrli od smijeha! 

znam kak vam je...al velika većina cura koje poznam nezna toliko banalnih stvari da je to strašno...valjd su zato bolje u školi od nas dećki koji imamo nešt u glavi.....jbt idem  otvori temu na forum.hr 

a sad dosta -a

Ni jedno (po mom ukusu, naravno, nekome možda je) ni drugo. A i nisam ju vidio ima već dvije godine.

Da nije skroz offtopic:

Cura i decko u krevetu. Cura kaze:

- "Pocni vec jednom, zivot je kraci nego sto mislis."

Decko odgovara:

- "Primakni se, i on je kraci nego sto mislis.

Došao muž kući s posla, te kaže ženi:
- "Ženo, večeras spremi dobru večeru, dolazi mi šef sa ženom na večeru!"
- "A od čega da spremim, kad imam samo grašak?"
Mislio muž, mislio, i na kraju reče ženi:
- "E ovako ćemo. Kad dođe šef, ti reci da ćemo večerati pečenje sa graškom. Nakon nekog vremena, nek tebi nešto ispadne pa reci 'Jao, ispalo pečenje, morat ćemo jesti samo grašak!'"

I tako i bi. Muž zabavljao šefa neko vrijeme, dok se ne začu nešto u kuhinji.
- "Ženo, šta bi, jel to ispalo pečenje?!"
A žena će iz kuhinje:
- "Ma jok, još gore, ispao grašak!"

Ide crvenkapica sumom i nosi kruha baki, naidje na nepismenog vuka, a vuk joj kaze: "Sta to nosis baci?". I ona baci! :D

HAHAHAHAHA........evo mi ga na avataru :D

Today, I was at an extended family dinner. All of a sudden, the lights and electricity cut out. Not thinking, I yelled, "We've been EMP'd, get down!" My grandmother replied, "Get a life, you goddamn nerd." FML

LOL EMP =D TOO MUCH MW 2

Ovo je nešto najbolje šta san vidija u zadnje vrime.

-Podrska
"Koji antivirusi program koristite?"
-Korisnik
"Netscape"
-Podrska
"To nije antivirusni program"
-Korisnik
"Jao izvinite ... Internet Explorer"


-"Perice jucer opet nisi bio u skoli"
-"Baka mi je bolesna"
-"Svaki put kad izostanes iz skole, tebi je baka bolesna. Neverujem ja u to"
-"Jeste,uciteljice, i mi sumnjamo da baka glumi"
 

Chuck Norris na svom sajtu CHUKALIKS objavio sve tajne o VIKILIKSU